Hi blog world. I feel increasingly boring especially reading other blogs from ppl with much more interesting lives. So i woke up this morning, feeling better, starving but better. Am still starving now actually. I dids some grocery shopping..woke up too late for church, but I'll go to core this evening. So I was talking to a friend yesterday and we were talking about road trips and I was like "I don't think I would like to go on a long road trip because I cant stand being around ppl for too long". Him: "Man, you amaze me!" Me: "lol, why?" Him:"you like scarred" Me:"why you say that?" Him: "the things you say, something must have happened to you when you were younger" Me: I dunno, I don't think I'm scarred
So, that got me thinking...in conjunction with the multitude of things I keep buried in my brain, what could have happened to me growing up that I don't remember but has shaped my personality so much so that it's visible to people that i talk to but not to me?
Am about to overshare, cause I'm really trying to get some stuff that i myself just recently remembered hoping that if i get it all down it'll no longer be inside of me threatening the life it belongs to (i stole that from Anna Nalick by the way).
Episode 1: I barely remember this, sometimes I think it didn't even happen, but because I remember the details so clearly especially being so young, it had to have happened. We used to live in adjoining houses next to my godmother and her kids and i think my older sisters used to have lessons with her kids...but i was too young. One day, i remember being in the room with their cousin Tokunbo, I don't know why, I prolly followed him in there out of boredom but the next thing I remember was him trying to get me to ...touch him. That's all i remember, I hope I didn't and I hope I ran out. Stupid pedophile!
Episode 2: I was much older maybe 11, I remember our land lady used to keep the gate locked. I have no idea why i went to open the gate for some strange dude that I remember seeing around our farm and at the well who constantly propositioned me and kept asking me to come to his house for only God knows what. Anyways, i went to open the gate and this man actually had the audacity to reach out and grab one of my none existent chesticles...like wat the heck? Do we have laws against child abuse in Nigeria? Are they enforced? Because I mean I knew it was wrong but it was only until i got here that i figured it was illegal...curses to that fool!
I really don't think these incidents have done much to affect the way i interact with ppl much less guys. I was just a bit freaked out, plus that makes me a statistic. I think once I was aware of it, it just makes me more aware and more empathetic towards ppl that have been, in most cases way worse than me.
I'm not necessarily welcoming back bad memories, I think that they stay buried for a reason and all i can do is hope and pray that they really don't have a significant effect on who I am or who I'm meant to be. After all, God is in control abi? So nothing spoil.
So my dear blog, I cant believe I was sick yesterday! I'm never sick....well never say never right. I threw up twice.... I mean I want to lose weight but not like that. I couldn't keep anything down but i'm better now.
I've also decided that maybe I have issues. First of all, when I heard about Britney Spears' divorce, I was so excited that I freaking screamed....only God knows why I did. And now, watching the whole Tomkat wedding, alls I was thinking is I can't wait for the ugly divorce so that we can hear the juicy details of how Tom hypnotized poor lil Katie, or blackmailed her to marry him....issues right?
Happy Thanksgiving bloggie..I spent the whole day switching between Foster's home for imaginary friends and The Closer. Then I went to a friend's for a bit. That was fun too...but now I'm back, and bored...maybe a lil homesick. TV is my only friend! :(
"Volcano" Don't hold my hand like that You'll hurt your knees I kissed your mouth and back But that's all I need Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down What I am to you is not real What I am to you you do not need What I am to you is not what you mean to me You give me miles and miles of mountains And I'll ask for the sea
Is just what I'm going through This is nothing new No no just another phase of finding what I really need Is what makes me bleed And like a true disease she's still too young to treat Like a distant tree Volcanoes melt me down She's still too young I kissed your mouth You do not need me
So....it's sunday and I didn't go to church. Saw the prestige yesterday and it's actually pretty good. I remember watching old cliche 80's movies back when we first came from naija and not getting all the jokes/jabs/sexual innuendo. So i owe it to myself to watch them all. First up: "Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead". It's just interesting to see the actors and actresses Christina Appelgate and the cheerleadr from HEROES!!! Well, happy sunday bloggie baby...I promise to try doing more blogging..soon.
I'm so sure that i'm leaving stuff out,"Blame it on amnesia!" (what ever happened to Milli Vanilli?). I mean so wat if they lip synced? It's all good, i still love them. Anyways back to HWNSNBM. So he left and we've spoken/emailed/texted ocassionally. Right before graduation, I went by my old job and was talking to my coworkers...two guys and a very crazy girl. And i told them about it and they were like, i think you should tell him...and i'm like nah. They were like "you can't live your life looking back and regretting not doing something". I'm like "well, he's not here anymore and it's crazy expensivve to call". They were like "send him a text". I'm like "shoo...i'd rather be over and done with this and move on with my life knowing that the ball is no longer in my court". So i sent a text "I just wanted to tell you that I liked you for a really long time. I'm not telling you so that something can come of it, i'm just saying it to get it out and over with" Five hours or so later, he replied the text. I was so scared to read it but i did. HWNSNBM:"I wish we weren't so far apart" Me:"would that have changed anything" And i think that was it...
I've seen him once after and I was just a mess of emotions maybe it's that whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder". We email, sometimes chat. I've called, he called. I feel like I've grown past it but I don't think I'll BE past it till we talk about it and I say what i have to say. Maybe Dear HWNSNBM, I just want to let you know that you unintentionally broke my heart. Not into a million pieces, but you broke off a piece and you took it with you. And everytime I see,hear from or think about you, I miss that piece. Why I haven't reclaimed that piece anymore I don't know, maybe I can't but I know from past experience that not having that piece doesn't make me incapable of fully loving another. At this point if i could go back, I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe that would have saved me some tears, but maybe that would have made me hate you. Maybe I would have been able to move on quicker. But I know i learnt from this...at the very least that regardless of how emotionally stunted i thot i was, or how much i tricked myself into thinking that I could never fully open myself up to loving someone completely. You proved me way wrong. I think realizing that has helped me come a long way. So I guess this should be thank you.
Day two...yay and I'm still enthused about blogging. I got to work kinda late 8:30am because I've gotten so good at snoozing so I woke up late and couldn't really be bothered to rush. Then as soon as I stepped out, the freaking waterworks opened...had to run to my car. I think I dented my landlady's door opening mine...oops..oh well. I'm sure my rent can fix that (let's not get into how much I pay for rent and how disgruntled I am about it ).
I started several drafts of stuff including one on HWNSNBM which I'm not done with but I'm working on it. I was thinking about him this morning and I just remembered how songs used to remind me of him but all of a sudden they don't anymore unless I'm thinking about him which is not as often as it used to be...YAY! So that means I'm genuinely, truly getting to the point where I'm over him....i hope.
My dear friend was kind enough to mention an oversight that is not so minor...He Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned. God knows why i forgot this person who quite possibly shaped the relationships I've had after him (not that we had a relationship like that). Anyway sha...HWNSNBM, even with my amnesia i remember most details about how we met..strange. It was summer, my first or second summer in college i forget...sha the summer of BRAZOS and I was taking Business Algebra and History (with Ledbetter, he had a broken foot or leg but i digress). I know I met him thru my sister's friend cuz she(the friend) was dating his brother. Anyways, it wasn't crush at first sight..he didn't immediately catch my attention. I remember we would walk from class to the UC (university center) and he would always say something so typically naija and innanely ridiculous that I would be mad at him.
Then he started coming over with my sister...we would joke around and talk and all that. I remember loaning him money to go buy a blue book for the history exam...I made a stupid B in that class by the way!! CURSES TO THAT FOOL LEDBETTER!
Then he would bring his playstation and play with my little sister. I remember one day, he spent the night, but he slept on my roommate Linda's bed.......................................with my sister (b4 u assume anything...it was very innocent!) He was just that guy, every girl's friend, very touchy feely.
I wish i could remember my "aha moment" when i realized that I really liked this dude, but I don't. The problem (among many) was that we really were friends, even if i tried to I couldn't make up things about him in my head because I knew him. We had a lot of things in common, music, movies..he felt completely comfortable around my siblings and I around his. I just felt there would be a natural progression towards you know what but 6 years later, nothing.
I remember ...sigh..i remember so much, I remember how he loved to argue and ARGUE, MY GOD!!! It was like pulling teeth, and people know that I don't back down from an argument really but I would concede to him just so that I could go by into my little blissful world or ignorance.
Then one day, this new girl started at our school and while I personally didn't find her attractive, all the guys did(I think) including..yep, U guessed it. Let's just say that their relationship made me do something I'm not proud of and also made me realize that if he really did like me in that way, he would have done something. In the process, I had met someone else (long distance..another story!) who I knew for sure completely and utterly adored me for whatever reason. I went into that relationship knowing that if anything were to ever develop between me and HWNSNBM, I wouldn't think twice about leaving LDR#1(long distance relationship #1).
I feel bad because even while I was in said relationship with LDR#1, we still used to go out, and hang out (as friends of course). I remember a couple of times we would go to the movies and then he would drop me off and end up spending the night. Nothing really ever happened but I still feel that it constitutes cheating because LDR#1 would be blowing up my phone and I would completely ignore it.
Then came the Amazonian Princess, my dear dear friend. They dated and then things fell apart. I don't remember if they were still dating when he graduated but I remember his graduation. Everyone was there and saying congratulations but for some reason I just wasn't even in the mood to speak to him. I remember standing by Texas Hall (graduation auditorium) and him all of a sudden coming up behind me and asking "why didn't you come up and say hi?"
Me: "I dunno, you were taking pictures with your family, i didn't want to disturb you"
Him: "You know that regardless of what I'm doing, I'll always have time for you right?"
That was exhibit A. I know he wasn't responsible for the way I felt about him but he didn't do anything to help matters either and i can prove it!
Exhibit C,D,E and F were the times I spent at his place or he at mine (all pretty innocent too).
Exhibit F: I remember this so well. We were supposed to go see a movie, i forget which one so my sister dropped me off and left with the car. He was ...oh wait let's rewind
After his graduation, he came to say bye cause he was leaving for a bit and we were talking then then all of a sudden out of nowhere
Him: "Do you think you would ever go back home to live?"
Me: "yeah of course, i plan to..someday"
Him: "What if you met someone and they wanted you to go back with them?"
Me: "it depends on how serious it is and what I have going on over here."
Him: "I'll keep that in mind"
Back to Exhibit F:
He was screwing around with his computer and I was sitting with his brother who gives one of the best hugs by the way and then it got so late that we couldn't make the movie anymore. So we decided to watch one at home Good Will Hunting which i had never seen. His brother called it a night and i think they hugged which i thot was cute so i was like
"Aww, that's so cute! I wish I had a brother"
Him: " I would say that I don't mind being your brother but I kind of want more out of this relationship than that"
So yeah I frigging spent the night that day..nothing happened. I may or may not have realized just how sensitive my ears are but that's about it.
My very first first memory of boys was in pre-primary. This Ogadinma boy with permanent gorimakpa and nasty sores on his head would find me and beat me, not enough to injure me but just enough to scare me. Dawg men, that was a horrible feeling. Only God knows how he used to find me. If i catch that boy today men...i'llprolly run too!
Then one of my neighbors, Junior was insistent that he was going to marry me. I was so afraid to go outside. In short, I blame him for my inactivity and obsession with TV. I would stay inside when everyone else was outside playing. I used to venture outside on occasion but once marshall (their male dog) and peggy (their female dog) showed up around the corner..I would quickly run upstairs and peek through the window. I dunno why I was scared...still don't. I remember him giving my sister one naira to come give me...wth...like I'm that cheap. Who knows where all these people are.
Moving to Lagos, I don't really remember any boys attracting my attention. I mean, I was only 8 but still...I remember my landlady's grandson or nephew Allen who I thot was so cute. He smelled funny always, but he was still cute. I think I got a little bit of my love for music from him. Can't believe I still remember one of his songs..if it really was his song Nile, Niger, Senegal, Congo, Orange, Limpopo, Zambeleji I am the trigger of my people africa who is the king of our land what's on ur mind, what's on ur mind what is the name of the game you play who made you king who made you king who made you ruler of my people......
And then boarding school started. Who had time for the little boys in my set? As far as I was concerned, they really had nothing to offer..which is funny now that i think about it. The only ppl that really stood out did so cuz they were weird, or smart cuz smart meant competition. I remember crushes, didn't know they were crushes then but they so were. The very first one was this guy called Dotun. He was the labor prefect and he always looked SOOOOOOOOOOOO crisp in his Jaja (blue check) outfit...sigh. He was tall, well taller than me.
I remember this guy in my set, Patrick...I think all the girls used to go absolutely crazy (ok maybe not all) about him...i remember guys used to unbutton the top one or two buttons on their shirts and pull it back so that the collar wasn't right around their neck..So tacky!!!!
All others were insignificant, till high school in Texas. Oh my goodness...Kievin...I don't know how it started, or what it was it was a very strange. I slowly developed my stalking abilities from this point. I think I took a geometry class with him my sophomore year, then he was in a bad accident and was gone for months. Then one day, he was back....i think i freaked out when i saw him. After that, I would see him sporadically in the hallway, on tv...then for 6 years after, I completely forgot about it till i decided to look him up. Found him, confessed, he claims he remembers me but I doubt it..he's doing well.
In college, I went thru the normal crushes, on ppl who are now my friends. I remember the BIG one...I remember crying about it, I remember telling my friends about it. Now I look back and am like WHAT WAS I THINKING??!!!
I think at this point, when I get into that crush phase, I try to get to know the person. So far so good. But getting to know the person usually calms me down and I slowly admit to myself that they are mere mortals like myself and I need to take them down off that pedal stone. Never, NEVER divulge that I have a crush tho..never!
So my friend tells me that I tend to keep stuff inside me and that one day I'll just explode! I don't know that I purposely bottle stuff up, but i find that old memories, good and bad bubble up to the surface at the most inopportuned moments.
In an effort to stop keeping stuff inside, I'ma say someting now.
Next to God and family, friends are probably the most important things in my life. Once people cross into that inner sanctum where I feel comfortable calling them friends, I want them there for life. I would do anything in my power to help them whenever they are in need.
I'm guilty of witholding information, no one person knows completely everything about me. I don't know why, I think maybe because I tell them only what I think they can handle...or what I think will not change their perception of me. Maybe because I dont want to lose them.
To my friends:
I never want to lose you
I want to be at your wedding
I want to be a godmother
I want our kids to be friends
I want to be a shoulder for you to cry on
A source of strength in times of weakness
I want to never do anything to break us apart
I may not be in your five, we may not be best friends
I may be difficult
I may be stubborn
I may lose your respect from time to time
But for all that we've been through
For all that the future has to offer
I want you to be there to share
joys and pain, fears and tears
I never want to lose you
This might mean nothing to someone, or something to noone..but i just felt like saying it out. Before life begins again and it's too late or before I get back into one of my stubborn-I-dont-need-anyone phases. I love my friends...
Me @ 23 is not ready to lose any of them over trivial issues.
So, after weeks of reading other people's blogs, I figure i should start blogging too. Whether or not what a write will be real or all in my imagination is yet to be determined. What I will blog about I don't know. I'm intimidated by the blogs I've read but for now, people will only stumble on this thread by accident. I guess i should differentiate fact and fiction in two different colors.
FACT: I love, love music
FICTION: I'm very outgoing.
With that settled, I guess I can now begin...sigh, wish me luck.