"Games..Changes and Fears..(Part Un: Fears)

I totally meant to post this yesterday....my bad...Mgbeks how you gon be smheee @ me? you suppose understand. Roc, NiceAnon and RepressedOne aka BlogdeserterforanewblogthatKatedoesnothaveaccessto (yes i called you out..what you gon do bout it? :)...here ya go
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..when will they go from here? When will they stop?" - Macy Gray

I'm not even gonna try to approach this issue from a broad perspective. Sometimes, I find that some things you think are so personal and so unique to your situation turn out to be not so unique.....therefore......

I went through this phase where I never wanted to get married AKA the teenage years
- My parents I think, are typical naija parents...well for the most part I guess. None of that "honey" "baby" "sweetie" stuff. Don't think I've ever heard them say "I love you" even...well maybe my mom...my mom is the bubbly outgoing one and my dad is the shy,quiet introverted one. They'd argue in front of us, but I don't think I ever witnessed them resolving their arguments (i must not have been a very perceptive child and i had my own issues). We moved from naija right as I was getting cozy in teenagedom and it was a truly stressful time for all of us (READ: it was HELL!). I know I definitely snapped, argued with my parents a lot.stayed in my room all day and listened to ROCK and HEAVY METAL (READ: Korn and Marilyn Manson)..i don't think i liked them very much (my parents that is)..
So I decided then that I never wanted to get married..or have kids because I didn't ever want to have to depend on someone else for my happiness or make any one else unhappy.
And then one day..like someone turned on the lights in my head I came to a very obvious realization: "My parents..like everyone else are human and predisposed to err"! Whodathunk huh? Accepting this made it easier for me to see past them being my parents to them being human, take all the good parts of their relationship and learn from the bad.
From my parents, I decided that

• I want a partner who loves his family
• I want a partner who puts his family first
• I want a partner who is trusting and trustworthy
• I want a partner who is dependable
• I want a partner who is open to communication and conflict resolution
• I want a partner who is willing to do all in his power to ensure that they/we are healthy and happy and comfortable kinda like my Daddy :)

And in return

• I want to be a partner who is supportive
• I want to be a partner who is patient and willing to work through problems
• I want to be a partner who is trusting and trustworthy
• I want to be a partner who listens
• I pretty much just want to be a strong, God-fearing, loving kind woman just like my momma :) who has the biggest..biggest heart I've ever..ever seen!

Stalker said what...?

So i live in a dead little town and there's not much to do here

btw..*disclaimer..i'm not a stalker...i just needed a catchy title*
My only friend close enough to hangout at the drop of a hat and I often go for happy hour...I watch her drink...of course i dont drink...naturally :D *quiet you*!
But so..when i do drink..one drink gets me tipsy..like today. We went to Outback Steakhouse and they have this Strawberry Passion-tini? I think that's what it's called...it has:

Fresh Strawberries(pureed)
Disarono Amaretto
Skyy Citrus Vodka
and X-rated fusion liquer...

sooooo good and soooo potent.

Anyhoo..at this Outback works a very,very..extremely sexy waiter..I mean..he looks like Scott Speedman's twin...for real..i'm not joking.

..sighs..takes a moment..
Ok, sha sha..we go there maybe once every couple of months but we've only seen him three times..this time being #3. The first time...we went pretty late and we sat in his section so it was pretty much empty when we got there..so he had time to sit and chat with us..he made me a special dessert...I was freaking enamoured...entranced..sp? And I also found out his life story...moved here from Cali to go to high school..cuz his fam moved (who does that?)and then they moved back but he stayed cuz of his girlfriend/fiancee(whatever!) and is going to police academy whilst waitering on the side...gosh...he's so hot!
Anyway...i think my meal was about $25 and i left a $23 tip! lol..(this was waaay before the recession sha...now man pikin no fit abeg...i got bills!...plus he wasn't our waiter tonight).
But he did stop by and say hi and we chatted...he just passed his exam so now he can actually go on police car ride thingies..whatever they are called..PATROL! yeah patrol..really close by. He promised to let me know when he'll start working so i can accidentally on purpose like get a ticket or something...:)
Anyway...i think that night..in my tipsy state..i said the corniest thing ever..something like "I just want you to know that I'm glad you exist" or something stupid...smh..i'm a mess.

...I'm it!

1. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions.
2. They have to be real….nothing made up! if the person before you had the same first initial,you must use different answers.
3. You cannot use any word twice and you cant use your name for the boy/girl question.
4. Don’t google your answers.
5. Make it as interesting and fun as you can.

1.What is your name: Kate

2. A four Letter Word: King...(K is hard you know!!)

3. A boy's Name: Kola

4. A girl's Name: Kemi

5. An occupation: Koala Keeper (do i get two points for doubling up?:)

6. A color: Kumquat (*shakes fist and dares ppl to challenge*)

7. Something you'll wear: Knit top
8. Kumbaya

9. A food: Kuli Kuli

10. Something found in the bathroom: Knife (yes..there's a knife in my bathroom)

11. A place: Kigali

12. A reason for being late: Killed a deer with my car

13. Something you'd shout: Ki lon sele!!!

14. A movie title: Kiss the Girls (HA!!! yes!!! i found one)

15. Something you drink: Koconut milk :D

16. A musical group: KC and Jojo and the sunshine band
17. An animal: Koala..duh!

18. A street name: Kings way

19. A type of car: Krap...there are no K cars...:(

20. The title of a song: Knocking on heaven's door

I dont tag ppl..but feel free to do it as the spirit moves ya!

Back to Life..back to reality

LOL @ Nice Anon the private blog haver talking 'bout update!!

I just spent..a glorious 48+ hours off/on with my beautiful baby nephew and I did not want to come back to the real world AT ALL.
You dont understand...I love this lil guy!! His smile lights up my life. He has three dimples just like his Aunty..and he is sooo brilliant! I make him laugh! HA! take that other aunties! Then again..he might be laughing at me not with me...hmmm.
I miss him!!
*****REALITY*****
I have a real big problem with managment. Now...i'm not a rabble rouser or nothing. But if you get me going...I might just go off the deep end and let them really know what's on my mind. If they fire me, I can collect unemployment for a whole year :D

In the last two weeks, I haven't felt the urge to work out. Not good. My june goal is in jeopardy...

I think all the delays...at the airport, on the plane and in the air that happens whenever I fly, is God's way of teaching me patience.

I go through these phases where the things that used to jazz me just ain't doing the job no' more.

I'm really feeling like it's time for me to move and find new cheese...and I cant wait.

The more i think about it, the more it becomes possible..it is possible..all things are possible with God.

On Going Private

No..not me!
Aight...so I am guilty of reading peoples blogs and not commenting. Sue me..shoot me..whatever...but I have my reasons.
1. I'm lazy and I have bad memory: honestly..half the blogs i visit, I find through blogs that have them listed as blogs they follow..and when I'm bored i have a habit of just scrolling down to see who else out there is blogging about anything that might tickle my fancy. Even if I find the blog interesting..which 93% of the time I do, I never blogroll it because I'm lazy..i always pray that the next time i crave reading that blog, i remember all the blogs i went through to get there.
...guess that's really not a good excuse
2. I really only comment when I feel that i have something of substance to contribute..most of the time: not to say that ppl that comment don't, I just usually can't bring myself to type something random and meaningless just to "mark attendance" that plus i don't think I'm witty enough on the spot..gotta let stuff marinate...maybe that is a part of blog etiquette that I haven't learned
3. I dont like to "feel familiar"...yes i am encroaching on your public private personal space..but in all honesty/fairness, i dont know you and you dont know me...so "why should I try to "feel familiar" when i'd probably pass you on the street and not know who you are?" is the logic in my head...plus I fear that getting to know the person will take away my perception of them in my head and I'm not comfortable with that...maybe i dont live in the realworld but that's why i'm in blogville duh!
4. I am shy...sometimes, I really just have to work my way up to being confident enough to comment... my blog personality is my real personality is my everyday personality...

5. Yes I do have some blogs on my blogroll..but I dont feel like explaining why that doesn't negate some of my other reasons.

I'm always a little hurt when a blog that i read goes private..I mostly get over it and find another blog to read..the cycle continues. Of course ppls reasons for going private may have absolutely nothing to do with me or the likes of me but I just had to get that off my chest. For all the blogs I've wormed my way into and left after i have read to satisfaction without commenting, ...I apologize. I guess the solution would be to go private

Gotta do a birthday blog!!

I'm a big fan of birthdays...mine especially..always have been
But today went by too fast.
my parents sent me the cutest card..too sweet...i cried
And my coworkers surprised me with cake and flowers..i cried
I aint no punk tho! *flexes mozzu*

My thing about my birthday is...i'm not a gift person per se..i dont usually know/get what i want but i appreciate gifts... I like calls...and messages.

On this birthday..i'm thankful
I know ppl die everyday..I'm thankful for my life. I almost didn't make it to 26 and that fact just hit me...so Thank you God for my life.
I'm thankful for my family...and my awesome nephew...love him!!!
I'm thankful for my friends...all of em...everyone of em.
I'm thankful for my coworkers...dunno what i did to deserve such an awesome first job.
I'm thankful for my luckybugga
I'm thankful for my birthday mates
I'm thankful for chocolate
I'm thankful for internet..and music...and tv
I'm thankful for Keanu Reeves
I'm thankful for Obama
I'm thankful for ME :)

13 of my favorite bars....kinda

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?
-Hands Clean

If you could read my mind love,
what a tale my thoughts would tell.
Just like a paperback novel,
the kind the drugstore sells.
and when you reach the part where the heartache
comes the hero would be you.
Heroes often fail.
Stars on 54

Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would bring me back to you
Sunday Morning

So what, so I've got a smile on me
but it's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head
Don't believe me
Don't believe me
When I say I've got it down
John Mayer

Got everybody watchin what I do
Come walk in my shoes
And see the way I'm livin if you really want to
Got my mind on my money
And I'm not goin nowhere
Live your life

When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind
You can turn off the sun but I'm still gonna shine and I'll tell you why
The Remedy

I have lost the dignity i had before
Trying to please everybody
Lucky Dube

I'ma do some'ing bad to ya, disrespect your set talk trash to ya
And if you get out of line, I'ma bring it quick fast to ya
Smash your head, in the concrete
And H-Town Stomp, your bitch ass to the beat
Till they see the white meat, for playing games with my gang
Slim Thug

Is it wrong for me to feel this way, you been running through my mind all day
Can you feel me?
I been tryna get you off my mind, but I cant after all this time
When iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
T-pain

If your love could be caged, honey, I would hold the key
And conceal it underneath the pile of lies you handed me
And you'd hunt and those lies
They'd be all you'd ever find
And that'd be all you'd have to know
For me to be fine
Cry

Does anyone know...What love can cost
To take you so high..Then leave you lost
Is it a mystery..That runs too deep
For such a simple heart
Hall and Oates

Finally the tables are starting to turn
Talking 'bout a revolution..
Tracy Chapman

When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend
Ev'ry beat of my heart, ev'ry day without end
I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break
Till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes
I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed
I will lay down my life, if that's what you need
Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire
When the fear rises up, when the wave's ever higher
I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul
I will hold on all night and never let go
Ev'ry second I live, that's the promise I make
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes
Celine

Honest Crap

1. I hate taking showers after people...when I was younger I would cry if anyone got in the shower before me.
2. I memorize numbers easily.. internet access codes for hotels..numerical passwords..account numbers...license plate numbers..
3. I can be a loner one minute and a social butterfly the next.
4. I dont buy into that whole..I can't stand girls..guys are better friends deal, but I don't have that many girlfriends
5. I have managed to remain good friends with my exes' best friends but can/have gone years without talking to or inquiring about the exes.
6. I cant swim...been meaning to learn for the longest time
7. I've never watched from beginning to end: Titanic, Forest Gump or any of the Godfathers but I've watched Jurassic Park III uncountable times and Zathura is one of my favorite movies :D
8. I sing/reenact commercials in my head when i'm walking..like the ziploc one: Erica!! Handy!! Chilly!! Economical!
9. I don't like cooking for myself or consider myself to be a great cook but when i'm not trying..my stuvvs comes out pretty good.
10. When i'm working on something that doesnt require much concentration..i quote simpsons episodes in my head....
Homer: No beer and no tv make homer go something something
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if i do!! Oooohhhh Ahhhhh Eeeeee Ooooo Walla Walla... :D
crap!!

Change

They must often change, who would be constant in happiness and wisdom" -- Confucius
**Dedicated to you**
One of my favorite quotes.

I consider myself to be very accommodating of change, and I think that I've changed some in the past three years.
Change was moving from Plateau state to Lagos state at 8: I think I was way too young to take stock of how that affected me as a person.
Change was moving from Lagos to Texas at 13: That was hard...fitting in to high school, well trying to at the age when kids/teenagers are so cruel and unwelcoming. High school had to be some of the worst years of my life. Coupled with becoming a teenager and all those hormones...I remember locking myself in my room a lot and getting into hard rock..lol. I'm glad my parents allowed me to have my own room where i could just brood and be dark. TV was my best friend..i would lose myself in Dawson's Creek and Felicity and Buffy and Angel...i learned to enjoy/crave my alone time.
Change was going off to college: some of the best years of my life. Meeting the most awesomely amazing people. Warm, open, friends for life type opening people. "Dating"...lol if you could call it that. Trying to grasp the fact that people want to be friends with me..people actually care about me. Real friends...real boyfriends. I think most of my lifelong friends are friends I made in college. Loves them!!
Change was moving thousands of miles away from all that after college: So far, the most exciting and revealing change i think I've experienced so far. Being completely removed from my comfort zone..by choice i think has enabled me to see myself in a different light sometimes. Not always good, not always easy but I think I've been through some things that make me feel like I can make it through almost anything.

So...change is coming again..soon. My initial reaction is excitement...I can't wait to see what the future holds, but that of course is closely followed by fear of the unknown...what if I'm making a mistake? what if it doesn't work out? I think what fuels me further is that staying also elicits the same what if questions. what if i stay? What will happen to me three years from now?
Still I want to be constant in wisdom and happiness so change i must..change I will embrace.

Closing Time...

...Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end..."- Semisonic

W-I-P

Sometimes all I have to go on
Is the way I feel when I'm with you
Cuz when i'm not with you
I feel like we're worlds apart