Good~Bye

...to 2007
...to one I chose not to know
...to you
...to the good,bad and ugly year
...to old things
...to mistakes made
...to fear
...to old me :)
...to maybe next year
...to cheap chocolate..GODIVA all the way.
...to Frankie
...to all those we lost
...to not trying new things
...to non-single digit sizes YAY!
...to not taking advantage of my premium channels


more to come

Age of Innocence

I blog cause I must...
Today on TV...
When captain was still cute!!...

1 in 6

Before my actual entry was rudely interrupted by BestBuy.!!

I was having a conversation with a friend...online..at 4:30am..but whatever. He just returned from naija and claims that most of his friends are married. So i asked "Do you think naija guys here are less mature than those in nigeria with regards to settling down?"
His reply: definitely. I mean in nigeria you either make it or you don't, and you kinda know your fate so you might as well get married and procreate. However, here, ppl are too busy hustling, going to school etc to be worried about settling down...plus there's a 1 in 6 ratio of guys to girls...

OK..1 in 6 might be skewed, but let's work with that.

So while 1(girl)..is looking for her 1(guy)...she has to take into consideration that she is 1 of 5 girls that he does not want to and will not end up with... let's throw non-nigerians into the mix, thanks to america.
And naturally 1(guy) being a guy and wanting to have his cake and eat it too does not let 1(girl) know what he's really after...under the guise of a relationship. So for each 1 guy...if he isnt ready to settle down/serious/whatever...leaves at least 5(depending on the girls of course) in his wake...while not even seriously searching for his 1 ..because he is too busy hustling..etc.

So why do we...upward mobile, equally as brilliant, sassy,still connected to our roots...have to take all this all because we are looking for our 1? Totally unfair i tell ya.

Don't ask me...dont ask me why We(ok fine I) feel like I just absolutely have to find my 1 and he just absolutely has to be nigerian. But sometimes i feel like i'm restricting myself by not broadening my horizon past nigerians, because i feel like if there's no future, then what's the point.

Maybe i'm just bitter.

I think the solution is patience...as hard as it may seem...according to my horoscope..
"Aries: Instead of just waiting for happily ever after, focus on what makes you happy now. Live in the present."
So I've decided to focus on what makes me happy now..and i think finding what makes me happy is finding ways to make other pple happy. To this end...I have decided to dedicate 2008 to doing just that. Rediscovering myself and what makes me happy!

1 in 6...(with a dash of mini rant)

Ok...first of all...those fools at bestbuy dont want me to descend on their dumbasses!! I'm so freaking pissed..those bastards...
I jejely went to go buy an external hard drive because i'm constantly in fear of losing all my valuables on my computer. So i walked up to the cashier and:
StupidFoolofacashier(STFOAC): do you have a reward zone card?
LoyalBestBuyCustomer(ME): yes *proceeds to look for rewards zone card...while placing credit card on counter*
STFOAC:*swipe*
ME: i cant find my card..can you look it up by name?
STFOAC: I already swiped your card
ME: you asked if i had a reward zone card and i said yes...why didnt you wait
STFOAC: I didnt hear you, next time you should try to speak up *(I SHIT YOU NOT!)*
ME: Can't you void it and try again? *looking at him with a..'i'm slowly getting pissed and will rip your freaking heart out...stomp on it and feed it to you' look, that is obviously not yet universally recognized
Bold Ass STFOAC: No
ME: I need to speak to a manager RIGHT NOW!!!!
STFOAC: *rolls eyes and beckons gay ass manager (GAYASS)*
-------------------------- enter GAYASS---------------------------
GAYASS and STFOAC talk...low, but not low enough that i cant hear
I know have impeccable hearing but those bitches where talking low too...in a loud ass store.
Anyways
ME: this dude just told me he cant revoke this, he swiped my card without permission
GAYASS: well, he cant apply the reward zone after the card has been swiped.
ME: *thinking this dude is definitely deaf!* I just told you that he didnt it without my permission.
STFOAC: i didnt hear her say she had a reward zone card
ME: you know what..i don't want that external drive
GAYASS: does a return with an attitude...
ME: I dont know if you guys are having a bad day, but i'm the customer here and you are treating me like you're doing me a favor when in fact i'm part of the reason you have this $5/hr job
GAYASS and STFOAC: *blank stares*
ME: I have a zero balance, i need to close my account right now
GAYASS: you can go to customer service

so i did.... I'm so freaking done with those fools...luckily there's a circuit city close by. Their customer service is appaling...so i sent an email and complained.

Wow

Ok..i dunno who reads my blog
But it's my blog and i can say whatever the hell i want...
Looking at pictures on my friends facebook today..
i realize that it took me two years plus to say this..and i think..i might actually mean it.
"I AM OVER THE WHOLE NIFEMI DEBAUCLE"
Like..not in a i want to never see him again way,
But not in a I want us to be "friends" again way either.
Like in an LC "I want to forgive you and I want to forget you" kinda way.
It feels good!!
I mean I looked at a picture and I didnt have one single hate thought towards him!!
Now I hope i can get to that level with that FEMI fool and with HWNSNBM...just be civil and be done with 'em!!
WOW

In other news... HOME SWEET HOME SOON!!! Can't wait.

Um...

i forgot what i was about to say.
Oh yes...the 90's... I miss the 90's.
I miss felicity and dawson's creek and beverly hills 90210. I miss music....
I miss innocence...
freaking adulthood and old age!!

Tiredness...(twofer!)

So apparently, I have a clique..lol..
Me, my roomie, shelby, and michelle!!
We hung out yesterday sans michelle...went to the movies
I Am Legend was pretty good! so was The Golden Compass
Then we went shopping, and then we went to dinner and this billiards place afterwards..fun day, good distractions.

Anyway..we were talking about what else...life and relationships.
I've come to the realization that i'm tired of the in between.
I know i dont really get a say..God's time and what not..
But if my vocalization brings some sort of permanence to fruition then damn it i'm going to say it.
I just want to be done with the whole cat and mouse game
Want to find that one person and spend however long it takes building something lasting and forever.
Preferably someone equally as commited to making it work as I am to it.
No more mirages.
Not saying i'm ready to get married but i'm tired of the chase...it takes however long it takes i guess...

Almost doesnt count

I almost feel normal
Naturally still miss us-him
But
I was thinking and i didnt know what to believe
When you don't know what to believe--believe yourself.
Not kids..should be able to maintain an adult relationship
should be willing to put in the work and effort to make it work
cant do that alone
cant feel alone in it
cant lie
not cool

maybe i wanted too much too soon
should've been more patient
didn't know what to believe
or
refused to believe what was in front of me
distractions are strong

Cuteness..

Goals...Distractions...Self

It's only been three days but it feels like an eternity
Still a little hurt, more confused...more in doubt.
I dont know if I/We made the right decision.
But I believe that everything happens for a reason
And that things work out the way they're meant to.

I think i really need to focus on myself mentally,emotionally,physically and spiritually
But i'm finding it's really not that easy (no duh!)
Physically, my focus has been pretty good so far...can't wait to see actual results!
Mentally..as per work..i really need to get more knowledge and experience under my belt.
Emotionally..ok fine, right now emotionally i'm a wreck which is why i try to find other ways to distract myself...I can get through work...and thank God for my roommate...and TV..then it's sleep but for the first time, i'm actually seriously considering seeing a shrink (shut up!) If that isn't the epitome of being americanized!! sighs....
Even before, I've always kinda known i need to sort out my emotions, not doing so usually does more harm than good in the long run.
Spiritually..I'm a disgrace..that's pretty much all i can say about that. I started reading proverbs and i felt like my life is just like some equipment that was put together wrong because the instruction manual wasn't read first. Luckily for us...we get do-overs...and I know I've gotten a million times more than I deserve.

If for no other reason..I'm really not getting any younger and I'm wasting my life away, so I dont have many chances at do-overs yet. And each distraction draws me further back than the one before.
I need to stick to it...
~~~coming soon~~~
My little cousin Grace was singing this song incessantly for one whole day and when i figured out what she was singing and listened to the words...they wrote it for me.

FIOMS!

Today is my sis's birthday..she is all of 28 years old!!! Wow. She will never find this blog i hope..so i can freely say that I'm soooper proud of her and everything she hsa accomplished. We were talking about how she was the experimental child when we first moved here and how she had to go thru everything...from working at waffle house, to having to take the SAT twice because my know-nothing-good-for-nothing uncle said her scores weren't good enough to go to college. To going to community college to changing from accounting to medicine...to taking a year off after college to work before going to med school..to med school...to being a 1st year resident WHAT WHAT!!!! She makes me soo proud and i love her...she is my shero!

Marking it down...to learninnng

I remember when my life could be describe by a song on Matchbox Twenty's "Mad Season" . Those days when i never thought i'd make it. College was hard. Not as bad as high school. I cant find my high school journal :(. But i found my college one..and i was reminscing...let me see if i can find a good throwback joint!
September 3rd,2003
The hardest thing for me to do, my downfall HUMILITY..I guess I have to work on that but for someone to think that i should feel privileged to have them as my friend is really hard to swallow. I guess in some cases, i do that too. I feel like the friend that has to beg to be included in everything. I mean there has to be one in every group. I just didnt imagine it would be me. Friend, that's a funny work. How do loners cope? I forget, I mean, I wish I could do it and I probably could. I'll try it this week maybe. When your friends make you feel liek crap, what do you do? Get new ones. But it's so hard for me, especially when my friends are the ones causing me grief. I meant to say it's hard for me to make new friends. And you thingk you're the only on that gets hurt right? Not knowing you hurt me more. But what can you do? I mean i cant be anyone but me and neither can you. I should first start by saying tht I feel extremely stupid for this. But when i heard that we were going skating with them Abimbola, I perked up. Big mistake because i usually set myself up for a huge, huge disappointment. I should know better, really...I mean you cant be anyone else no matter how much I would like you to be. Yet i remain the hopeless optimist i am. Dreamer! I guess I'm slowly realizing this and slowly letting go so I'm going thru withdrawal. IT SUCKS. YEsterday was typical of my life. Usual disappointments all round. You would think i'm the most depressed person on earth right?

Till Death...

Damn yo! I haven't been here in a minute!!!
Today, we shall focus on marriage!!
Due to the large mad dash for the altar happening around me recently...
These ppl are older than me granted...but not by that much?
Is that what it feels like to be SURE...or are some ppl doing it just cuz, it's the right time and marriage is the right thing to do?
Arent' these people afraid?
At what moment in time do you move from being scared to being sure?
Is there a balance?
When does surety supercede fear?
Do people realize this?

Me sha o, i'm still scared.
This is not school where you study and study and expect to pass
or work where you work and work and expect things to go smoothly
when someone elses emotions and personality and quirks and issues are thrown into the mix it all becomes very dicey.
Will i ever NOT be scared?
I feel like i've come along way from being selfish and so quick to call it quits to being more open and patient and willing to put in the work to make it work..
but i still have issues...
Sooo not ready...is anyone ever ready?

Seriously, do ppl realize till death us do part?