Thursday, February 22, 2007

Life...oh Life

So I was raised in the church. I believe in God, I believe that Jesus came and died on the cross to reconcile us with our Father. I know of all the promises and how much love God has for us and how unconditional that love is and how he is willing to take us back after we've done our dirt.
So like Paul said and i paraphrase...does this mean that we should keep sinning because we have grace? and to that he replies God forbid.
I think knowing all this put me at an early disadvantage because I know that if I sin, all i have to do is ask for forgiveness and believe I've been forgiven and go and sin no more...but i do and then that's when that whole grace thing comes into the picture...and it has been a vicious cycle for a while. Well, I'm over it...sin no longer has a place in my life...I'm done.
How do i plan to be done you ask? Well it's all about one day at a time...continually asking God for His help in my everyday dealings. I know he's giving me a million gazillion chances, but I know that if I'm serious about my relationship with him I will make it. Like my old pastor Gary used to have to be willing to pick up that cross a million times a day. I dont expect it to be easy but I expect to make my walk with Him a ritual that I crave and I look forward to everyday....and I'm putting myself out here on blast in front of the whole world but I need to hold myself accountable in my heart.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Today, I opened my bible and this was the first thing that caught my fitting!
Psalm 130:
1 Out of the depts I cry to you O Lord;
2 O Lord, hear my voice.Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy
3 If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord Wwho could stand?
4 But with you there is foregiveness;therefore you are feared.
5 I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, an in his word I put my hope.
6 My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning
7 O Israel, put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love
8 He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins

Si then I went online to find where i could copy and paste it but instead i found this....which i also love.
Verse 1-4 - The only way of relief for a sin-entangled soul, is by applying to God alone. Many things present themselves as diversions, many things offer themselves as remedies, but the soul finds that the Lord alone can heal. And until men are sensible of the guilt of sin, and quit all to come at once to God, it is in vain for them to expect any relief. The Holy Ghost gives to such poor souls a fresh sense of their deep necessity, to stir them up in earnest applications, by the prayer of faith, by crying to God. And as they love their souls, as they are concerned for the glory of the Lord, they are not to be wanting in this duty. Why is it that these matters are so long uncertain with them? Is it not from sloth and despondency that they content themselves with common and customary applications to God? Then let us up and be doing; it must be done, and it is attended with safety. We are to humble ourselves before God, as guilty in his sight. Let us acknowledge our sinfulness; we cannot justify ourselves, or plead not guilty. It is our unspeakable comfort that there is forgiveness with him, for that is what we need. Jesus Christ is the great Ransom; he is ever an Advocate for us, and through him we hope to obtain forgiveness. There is forgiveness with thee, not that thou mayest be presumed upon, but that thou mayest be feared. The fear of God often is put for the whole worship of God. The only motive and encouragement for sinners is this, that there is forgiveness with the Lord.
Verse 5-8 - It is for the Lord that my soul waits, for the gifts of his grace, and the working of his power. We must hope for that only which he has promised in his word. Like those who wish to see the dawn, being very desirous that light would come long before day; but still more earnestly does a good man long for the tokens of God's favour, and the visits of his grace. Let all that devote themselves to the Lord, cheerfully stay themselves on him. This redemption is redemption from all sin. Jesus Christ saves his people from their sins, both from the condemning and from the commanding power of sin. It is plenteous redemption; there is an all-sufficient fulness in the Redeemer, enough for all, enough for each; therefore enough for me, says the believer. Redemption from sin includes redemption from all other evils, therefore it is a plenteous redemption, through the atoning blood of Jesus, who shall redeem his people from all their sins. All that wait on God for mercy and grace, are sure to have peace.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


Can't be putting no negative stuff on my blog, so i'm not going to say hate. Not that i hate any of these ppl.
So anyways, I believe that ppl are brought into your life for specific reasons..some temporary and some permanent. The temporary ones come, teach you a lesson and they leave. I've been fortunate not to come across too many bad eggs as far as girls are I can't even start with that whole I'm more comfortable talking to boys than girls bit...I'm just really choosy with my girl short, I'm more applications to the inner sanctum. I'll talk about the girls that I semi-love...all four of them; Chituru, Grapevine,Market Woman and Slim Shady..:)
Chituru: supposed family friend, we went to Loral together and for some odd reason, she felt the need to compete with me...she was really light skinned and always, always had a cold what was up with that..herpes much? Anyways..Loral had this Primary 4 special class...pretty much, if you got into P4 special, you got to skip Primary 5 and go to primary 6 straight. There were two P4 specials, we both got in, but we weren't in the same class..even still, heifer would be competing with me for grads..everytime it was what did u get, what did u get? That lil fool! So anyways..she would always walk up to me and whisper mean stuff in my ear and when we would go to their house, she would be a snobby lil bloodsucker..etc..etc. Gosh. Sha sha oh, when the Common Entrance came just so happend that yours truly had the highest score in the whole school...and the next person was like 30 frigging points behind her...NOW WHAT HUH!! NOW WHAT!! all your mouth making and ish didn't really amount to nothing now did it! Freaking bish! If i see her now, I'mo have to slap her just for being so was all very mean girlie..
Grapevine: Ok..let me put on a disclaimer...I really do semi-love this girl..I wouldn't give her my kidney, but you know...I would mention in my blog that she needs a kidney and maybe someone who randomly stumbles by would be the perfect match (God forbid she ever need a kidney tho..Amen). We used to be super close in secondary school (shut up about those sister jokes! >(..) anyways, it was all well and good, she had a lot of senior friends and school fathers and mothers, and I used to tag me to I got my own school father tee hee..but after a while it just got old. I think I was slightly a hater because in dorm,when we all had to get out, homegirl would still be sleeping and then after everyone was out, she would now wake up, go take a shower in someone's duty and got to used to live in such luxury in boarding school? Na craze...anyways, we were still close sha, but in JS2 i think i heard from some of my other friends that she was saying stuff about me behind my back..and from then on we just stopped being cool,cool...could never really cut the cord tho, for whatever reason. We sha ended up in the same school years later..go figure and she was still the same..she had something to say about everyone and she never remembered who she heard it from...bloody annoying if you ask me. I remember her telling LDR#1 that I didn't really like him and I was just in a relationship with him just to be in one...the truth of the matter was that it was also partially out of pity but the heffalump didnt have to tell him! There's a girl's oath of silence...can't believe she said that to him..anyways..she got hers. Boys are mean it turned out that she was "talking" to two of my guy friends at the same time, and I told him, told him she was "talking" to the other boy but they wouldn't listen...sha sha..they finally confronted her on 6 way..I was on the phone with one of them, and he was on the phone with the other dude, and someone sha called her, two other ppl were on the it was like three 3-ways..and she didnt know. So she got caught in a lie and they all pounced on her and verbally dissed her on the phone...while I did not/do not condone was deliciously devil's chocolate cake... I guess the main lesson I learnt from her is that you should be careful who you trust and who u consider to be your friend. But c'est la vie..we move on.
Slim Shady: Ok this girl I just dont first I thot she was just naive but even that one get it's own levels...she was incredibly smart and she helped me out with some of my school work and ish but at the same time..she was friends with grapevine...and i'm naturally wary of ppl that can be cool cool with her..because she likes to talk about other ppl..even if they spent 5% of their time talking about nigerian movies, 5% about miscellaneous stuff, 5% about boys, 5% about school..that left a whole 80% to be focused on other comment she made to me was about grapevine and it always stuck..something like "hmm, some ppl that you consider to be your friends don't feel that same way about you"...and I knew exactly who she was talking about. Life sha.. anyways, she makes snide lil comments that can be easily retracted or restated to be less offensive,but you know what her primary aim was...ppl like that scare me oh!
Market Woman: you know how some ppl, just rub you the wrong way and/or are excessively abrasive eg: pauly shore and gilbert gottfried(sp) u just want to use a fly swatter and squish them! freaking GET AWAY FROM ME!!! yeah...that's what market woman will do to ya. Now i'm not trying to be a snob because girl is actually quite's just that I feel like even lil smart comments that I could say to maybe make her aware of her behavior is wasted on her..she won't ever get explaining quantum physics to jessica simpson..useless. Anyway oh, this heiffer had the guts to call me a bitch and an e-diot! all because I didn't let her into a club that I couldn't even let her into at that it was freaking packed wat did they want me to do? Anyways..that didn't even phase me, it just gave me a reason to do what i had always wanted to do...cut her off!
See..for all my approaching 2 dozen years (OMG...I'm having a semi freak out!)..i've only had the misfortune of meeting 4 inner sanctum rejects..God is good!

Monday, February 12, 2007

The Father/Child Dynamic

Two things first of all: Nothing I say is backed up with any statistics..I'm just speculating and I've been known to do. Second thing: Yes this post is based on 24 and Jack and his Dad...but art imitates life men!!

So anyways, I was thinking about this whilst watching two glorious hours of twenty four. I love me some Jack, but I fear this series is coming to an end. I mean what other twists and turns could they possibly put that we haven't already seen in some way. But I digress...
Growing up, I used to think my Dad was like a demi-god...and he could do no wrong. I mean yes, he was strict and, didn't like noise in the house...i remember when my sister got whooped cuz she fell on a ball, I still don't understand the reasoning behind that one but it's all in the conclusion. I remember he would go to Lagos and whenever he was coming back I would try my hardest to stay up and wait for him but I would fall asleep, only to be awoken by a New Dress!! or french toast or pancakes..sigh..those were the days, when we were easy to please.
Then as we got older, I remember being threatened with pepper selling just so i could study and pass the common entrance (IN YOUR FACE CHITURU!!!lil biyotch..this heffa doesnt even deserve her own post but she will get it, along with my list of haters!). Which I did pass! And then when our dog/family member got paralyzed and we had to get rid of her..and everyone cried..including my was a horrible day. Still brings tears to our eyes( about being able to cry on cue!)
This story is just becoming more and more disjointed sha oh...but anyways, I felt like I said that my Dad could do no wrong...because he is just that type of Dad,who is willing to do any and everything for his family.
One of the worst realizations/best moments in my life was when I finally understood that my Dad was HUMAN...common sense no? Yes but all the while I had been treating him like he wasn't. When they(my 'rents) would do something like not allow me to go to prom, or force me to go the the school i went to, I would be very upset to the point of betrayal sef! I still get upset at times, but the difference is that me seeing him as human allows me to allow him to act that way, to make mistakes, to be susceptible to all the faults/errors etc that we humans face everyday. That helped me a lot because instead of not having a conversation when i think they are wrong and stalking off to my room, I can and actually love to sit and have a conversation with them about where they are coming from and all that good stuff...and even if i dont always get my least I can listen and understand so that the next time, I'll know their way of thinking and come more prepared.
Except when their POV makes absolutely no damn sense and then I'm likely to act a fool still...or pout to get my way!:) Damn thing doesnt work as much as it used too!
Oh yeah...what does this have to do with Jack...I was just thinking about how his father is evil and the scum of the earth, but Jack doesn know it, I think Jack is still in that phase where his dad can't do any wrong and such...But once he realizes that na papa na im kill im broda, then it's on an popping!

Thursday, February 8, 2007


Happy Birthday to my lovely cousins...i love you both a million and one pieces!

Today, I was so freaking bored that I almost fell asleep playing tetris...and then at the meetings and in the cafeteria...i was giving ppl makeovers because they badly,badly need it...I mean i don't have a full length mirror but I try and look at myself from top to bottom before I venture out. And there is not chance of a freaking flood, can i get u to pull ur pants down...joblessness huh?

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

It's a Twofer day!

Totally Non-Random Randomness

Sometimes, I wish I had more of a life
Or was more intriguing/interesting
Or was less shy
Or was more able to go out and make friends easily

Other times, I like the way I am
I like people watching
And coming up with worst case scenarios in my head
I guess that's my way of preparing myself for the worst

For the first time in a loong time, I remembered my dream last night, still do
Something about my dad coming to visit me and then us going to see a broadway show..weird!
I can't decide if I made myself dream it or if it was a natural dream
When I have nightmares, I usually tell myself it's a nightmare and i wake up..completely forgetting what the nightmare is about.
I still often have that falling dream, I'm trying to control that dream too by stopping the events that lead to the fall so I dont.
Am I a control freak?

I don't like meeting new ppl, terrified silly especially about this vegas trip
I know it's going to be fun because not everyone is entirely new but still

I tend to over think stuff..always to the point of exhaustion but when i decide to not think about it, it Miraculously works itself out either for better or worse
And then I tell myself that I should not even go thru the stress of overthinking
But next time, I do...go figure

I just realized that my parents are no spring chickens and for the first time, I didn't have a mini panic attack.
I find that weird and almost disturbing

I've been looking for a particular song on my CD for like 2 years now...too lazy to listen to all songs thru to find is very upsetting!

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

My attempt to be poetic!

All things being equal
All things being equal is a lie
Life never gives u equality
It gives you uncertainty
And disillusionment
It gives you dissapointment
And pain
It gives you unfairness
And strife

All things being opposite is more like it
Life gives you opposites
It gives you love
And war
It gives you hope
And detachment
It gives you good
And evil

Monday, February 5, 2007

Letter to My Future

Dear Future,
Sometimes I try to see my present through the eyes of my past. Is this where I thought I'd be at this point in my life? I remember my dreams being limitless, I remember wanting everything and nothing. I think age has narrowed my ability to dream, it used to be sooo broad but now, I dont even remember my dreams when i wake up. When did i get disillusioned? When did I become an inside the box thinker?
Not to say that my present is not good...I'm just wondering if it's good enough. All my big plans to change the world...I feel like I'm slowly letting my 8-5 suck me into the abyss of normalcy. Soon I won't even feel it when i see all those feed the children ads much less cry.
Pls future dont allow me to be complacent and accept that I'm normal because I cant be normal.
My favorite actor person in the whole world is known to have said "I'm sorry that my existence so far has not been noble". But he doesn't know that he saw me through some horrible times. I just remember always loving him and yes i know he doesnt know i exist but at a point in my life when I didn't know and truly love myself and my family..I loved him and at that point, It made me feel human.

To Be Continued..........

"And you're so independent, you just refuse to bend so I keep bending till I break!!"-Aaron Lewis