Saturday, December 27, 2008

And the beat goes on da da dum da dum da da.....

Most people enjoy spending time with their family and friends..and I do too for the most part. However, I was kinda dreading coming home cuz normally, a fight usually occurs at some point and I can't wait to go back to my own little world where i can shut out all the drama and just focus on things that make sense.
It's Day 2 and I'm happy to report that no fights/arguments/misunderstandings occured, which is great. I hope it stays that way.
Outside of the fam, i had a very illuminating day...
I realized that there is entirely too much going on here and not in a good way and I don't think I'm ready to come back here to live, not this year, not next year not in this capacity.
Everything just struck me as "affected" or "trying too hard".
Driving through my breeding ground, i had a lot of nostalgic moments of this is where i worked for 5 years and this is where we stayed...etc

Part 2:
I guess I must have been a terror in college because in the last 24 hours, i have been regaled with tales of my tyranny and physical and emotional acts of aggression towards ppl who years later are still my friends... Let me start by putting all my apologies for whoever i wronged out there in the universe...
At first I was slightly amused maybe..because the way things play out in my head is obviously not the way other ppl see it.
But at some point, I started thinking and two questions...maybe rhetorical, maybe not came to mind.
1. If I did/do all these mean, horrible things to ppl..why have i not lost any of these ppl as friends? (maybe i lost one, but in that case i would argue that we probably weren't friends to begin with...hmmm)
2. When all these my actions occur, do ppl even try to understand where i'm coming from?

And God forbid you actually change or mature because that person you were in college is the same person you'll always be.

I guess my bottom line is like staind says "I only know that I can change, everything else just stays the same" the only way to fix that, is to keep moving forward.
And we haven't even gotten to the party yet.
So much for Happy it 2009 yet?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Patience is a virtue...etc

One of my of my many vices, but the one that gets me in trouble a lot is impatience.
I want answers right yesterday and results today.
So when i pray, one of the main things i ask God for is patience.
The ability to wait patiently for things to work out the way they are meant to.
Of course as a thinking, feeling being, it's not always easy because I feel it then i think about how to solve it and then i do..or try to.
However, I'm learning that, some situations would never occur if i had been patient enough in the beginning and let things naturally unfold as they are supposed to.

My prayer for myself this new year, is to be more patient and to consciously recognize when I'm in situations that require me to be patient. Like today.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.—Romans 5:3-5

But at the same time, i feel like a failure. Like i told myself that i would try...and try..and try until i either succeeded or couldn't try anymore. So i'm at a point where i'm questioning whether i tried hard enough. But like with all things..a go/no-go decision has to be made..when enough is enough and i'd rather be unsuccessful now than in the future...i guess.