Monday, December 25, 2006

Merry Christmas

Soooooo...all my bags are packed
ready to go
i'm standing here outside the door
i hate to wake you up to say goodbye

I'm leaving on a jetplane
I know that i'll be back again
But babe, I hate to go-oh-oh-oh-oh :)

This year has been very blessed for me and my family.
New Job
New Car
lots of changes

But I cant help but look forward to 2007...turning 24. Growing more into myself. For once i'm not making any resolutions. I dunno why, I guess maybe cause i no longer feel like i have to wait till a new year to resolve to do something.

So bloggie dearest...Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. I'm going to miss you. And you (yes the off chance that u stumble upon this :) wish i had more time to blog. 15th huh? :)

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Madness ;)

Dear Bloggie,
Have you ever had that totally unexpected,indescribable connection maybe to another blog :)? So indescribable that you have a hard time putting it into words? I guess not cuz you're just a blog, but it's a crazy feeling i tell ya..maybe someday i'll be able to but I don't feel like sharing this with's mine i tell you..all mine! Which is why i'm here blogging about basketball when i know i really want to be blogging about something else..:dreamer:, apparently we haven't learnt anything from the whole detroit/indiana fight cuz here we go again. I know I'm late with all this but I cant really talk until i hear wat they punishment is can i? :)
Basketball Losers
1. Isiah Thomas: supposed to be a coach, supposed to be the one that hopefully pulls the team together..this lil' fool instigated the whole thing talking about "it wouldn't be a good idea to go anywhere near the paint" to carmelo. It just sucks that he didnt get punished for what he did. And then at the end of the day he's commenting about how the nuggets were already up and didn't need to leave their starters in the game. Why can't u just take your whupping like a grown ass man, acting like this is the first game that they are losing.
2. Carmelo Anthony: I know, i know, testosterone plus adrenaline plus steroids (yes i said it!! :D) make a bad combination, but can i get you to practice some sort of restraint...oh at least stand like a man and fight, don't hit and run next time mmkay, you should have been fined an extra 5 games without pay for running like a lil punk.
3. Mardy Collins: be proud of yourself cause the only reason I know your name is because u are a troublemaker...bitter doesn't look good on anybody, there was no reason for you to foul ol' dude like that..stewpid!
4. The rest of the fighters...i guess it helped boost team morale cuz they both won their next games but still...can we try to be part of the solution not the problem?

Basketball winners
1. George Karl: according to him, his reason for keeping 4 starters in the game was because his team was still learning how to win on the road and he had seen other teams give up double digit leads and all that stuff. Maybe he did it out of spite or whatever but if you don't want to get beat..STEP YO GAME UP!! I can see why the knicks would be upset..I mean, yes I admit it, I cry when the Mavs lose. Speaking of the Mavs.

2. My baby D-I-R-K and Josh Howard: are like totally awesome, like totally. Best believe I'm the first one to curse them out when the lose, and I threatened divorce after last year's finals..but after counseling, we were ok until those four straight losses..but now I think, we're definitely back on the right track. :) I love me some about 29 points and 13 rebounds...and Josh Howards 28 points..that's freaking FIRE!! (SHUT UP KOBE FANS!!).
3. Chris Paul and Dwayne Wade: yes i'm a sore loser, yes i wanted them to lose to us and yes i changed my car's name from dwyane to chico after they won but I can acknowledge and appreciate talent and humilty when i see it...and I do infact love dwyane wade as a player and as a person (like i know him..LOL!!). So anyway, after the game, close game the cutest thing happened..Dwyane gave Chris a hug and a kiss(a totally ungay kiss!) AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW :). I fell in loff all over again!

Thursday, December 14, 2006


date1 /deɪt/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[deyt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, dat·ed, dat·ing.
a social appointment, engagement, or occasion arranged beforehand with another person: to go out on a date on Saturday night. I mostly write about the past and stuff that I'm totally comfortable with ppl knowing about me and not much about the present and the future but I was thinking about this today and I've like so totally only been on like two dates. As far as guys go, there have been to date five serious,serious and I-dunno-wat-to-call-it relationships. The serious are Ex #1 and Ex #2. The first I-dunno-wat-to-call-it was HWNSNBM(see posts from archive! double sigh). The second one was one of the indiscretions of my youth and while i sometimes feel bad about it, i often don't because it was a lesson, you learn from it and you move on..maybe someday i'll write about it!! Wow. The third and most recent one I kinda dont really want to talk about but is the reason for this whole post in the first place...let's just say I think i'm making it out to be more complicated that is probably is..but I'm a girl mayne, it's wat i do.
So anyways..Ex #1 and Ex #2 were both long distance relationships..started online kinda (SHARRAP!) so we never went on dates per say. HWNSNBM..i dunno what you would call what we had but dates according to dictionary definition..those were dates. We went to the movies and even to dinner once..i remember...Chili's, I had the boneless buffalo wings..anyways. The second IDWTCT asked me out once, but stood me up..go figure! Like I was the one doing the chasing..*rolls eyes*.
My whole point..this third IDWTCT, another story for another day(this one i'll definitely tell because it's really quite innocent and I only have the best intentions for this person(even if it's clouded with brief bouts of slight craziness in my head..damn hormones). So this third IDWTCT is actually the first person to in then traditional american sense of the word call me up and ask me out to the movies (as friends of course). I was extremely tickled because, fine i'll admit it..huge gigantor crush..and y'all know how my crushes turn out..see the possibility that IDWTCT the III might actually harbor even the minutest ounce iota neutrino of thingies (cant call it feelings cuz i'm still lying to myself about that) for me..scary ish right there!
So anyways, had a convo with IDWTCT the III the other day and it went like this
IDWTCT the III: so when r u getting back
Kate: 21st
IDWTCT the III: you got anything planned
Kate: no, jus packing and chilling
and then I went off topic for some reason
IDWTCT the III: So you got any free time before you go?
Kate: prolly, it shouldn't take me long to pack
IDWTCT the III: you wanna maybe go out to dinner sometime, if you're free?
Kate: Sure, that would be cool
Kate's crushomatic brain cells: OMG OMG OMG...victory lap around the skull!!! YES!!
Kate's logical/cautious brain cells: WTH? wat does this mean? Is this like a date date or like a friend hang out thing? What should i treat it as?
Kate's crushomatic brain cells:OMG wat am i going to wear? Thank God i get paid on the 22nd, I can go shopping and get my hair and nails did!
Kate's logical/cautious brain cells:sensory overload!!! Must call friend for interpretation.

I've learned in life never to assume anything especially when dealing with dudes so I make no assumptions until stuff is spelled out properly for me. But I'm kinda nervous tho cuz I'm not even remotely ready for anything serious at all right less of long distance. There I go making assumptions...i'ma just let it be for now!! Empty out my brain...whoooooooossssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Things that annoy me!!!

Angelina Jolie
Ok, I haven't read it but I believe the news..she has a new interview in vogue where she talks about her relationship with Brad Pitt and how nothing happened till after they split up and blah di blah. First of all you blood lusting bad acting puffer know that that is a freaking lie but it's all good, Karma is a mutha and it's going to come back and haunt you. And you Brad, don't even think I'm heaping all the blame on this bush rat because I'm coming for you and it's not going to be pretty! I can't wait for their kids to grow up I hope they wipe them dry and leave them broke and desolate (sue me, I'm wicked and vindictive :o). And then to add insult to injury, Lil miss nasty heifer says she would sit and talk with my Jenjen if Jenjen requests it. I hope in some parallel universe you can legally put out a hit on someone cuz I'm sure my parallel universe self would have taken out one on said fool! I wonder what Jennifer Aniston thinks about this. Sometimes I wish I could be other ppl in this case Jenjen just to know what she is thinking. Wat does Angelina want? She wants her to be Godmother? That woman has gone of the deep end. Should have married Tom Cruise...speaking of Crazy Cruise..guess wat else annoys me?

Crazie Cruise
Yep, you guessed it. I'm sorry but personally, this fool was never that good of an actor...then you want to prance around like a rabid raccoon jumping on ppls couches and rattling off at the mouth about other peoples problems..Negro puhlease. I just cant wait for the divorce (not that i wish it for them) 9 years and 2 months from now after the magic scientology spell wears off Katie Holmes (speaking of which, I catch reruns of dawson's creek some mornings...Dawson Leery was such a freaking pansy my GOD..and bumpta*that means ugly* too! now Pacey was not half bad).

The Grammy's
Ok, I understand that forget it, me i don't understand anything. I haven't even seen the full nominations on account of that I'm so totally boycotting the Grammys from now on, but they did not nominate Nickelback and yet the Pussycat Dolls can be nominated. Wat is really going on? I think the grammys be doing stuff for all the wrong reasons(rimshot)..get it? get it? hee hee. Ah..forget it! Anyway...Nickelback, you win all the grammys in my heart.

Brad Pitt
Don't think I forgot about this LOO-SER! Trailer trash from Oklahoma!.To leave your wife and alleged best friend for some trifling heifer!. In short you don't deserve my good riddance to bad rubbish. Sooo unsexy! And then you now think that all your supposed humanitarian work is somehow supposed to atone for breaking vows you made before God and sir, are the lowest of the lows..nothing you can do will ever compensate for being a crackhead loser. Expect for your movies to tank from now on...cuz i surely will not be paying for them! :p, FOOL!

George Bush
Seeing as he abolished Haebus Corpus, I don't doubt he can do the same to visa lottery and naturalised citizens so I'ma keep mum on this one. But all i can say is "You're on notice, monkey man and you get two wags of the finger for being wack!".

Stupid drivers on the road that wont let me merge! Look fool...if my trafficators are on and i need to exit. Either speed up or slow down and let me by...I can kill a negro for this! Thank God for America and it's strict laws on gun control (psyche!)

Stupid ppl in general
-the cops that shot into a car fifty times
-the obviously deranged mother that microwaved her baby
-the other wife of satan that threw her baby out of the window
-the mavericks when they lose
I mean the list could go on...can we attempt less stupidity and use whatever brain cells we have left to try and be logical human beings? I mean is it really that hard? I would suggest lobotomies but I know i'm also prone to bouts of stupidity sometimes...shhhh! dont tell no one tho!

See I did a twofer today! And apparently I need to apologize for my myers briggs blog! I was just trynna allow ppl to get to know wat makes me tick and maybe inspire them to go take one! Plus i know these ppl do not care or even know i exist but still, it makes me feel good to say these things cuz i know i sho would say it to them if they did know i existed :p!!

Five books that changed my life

Ok. granted, some of these books i dont really remember much after I read it, but at that point in time, I take what I learn and I apply it. I should go back and reread some of 'em cuz they were really good!

Sorry for not blogging for so long. I guess I have to be in a certain type of mood to blog properly and I'm sort of back in that mood now again. This is just hopefully the warmup before the work out.

Book #1

I got it for myself on February 14th, 2004 and it has day by day devotionals in it which I sometimes try to stick to. Usually tho, I either pick a book and try to finish it or I just say a quick prayer asking God to direct me to the page He wants me to learn the most from at that point in time..some days it's Ruth, some days it's Matthew. It's just so uncanny how no matter where it is, It really does speak to whatever it is I'm going thru at that moment. Every woman should own one!

Book #2
I'll confess first. At my old church, we did this forty days of purpose thing and I fully intended to do it with the church as a church but for watever reason, I slacked off. I'm still slacking off, I need someone to do it with me and make me accountable. From what I've read so's been really good. It pretty much just taught me how to focus my attention and resources on my if I could only find out what my purpose is, then we'll be in business. So anonymous readers, if u are interested...go ahead and hit me up, we'll work something out. :)

Book #3

The main reason why I love this book is because it is simple.Just like the bible and the constitution, it is written in such a way that you can take the words to mean anything to you. Hopefully not like crazy nuts who completely take stuff from the bible and constitution out of context. It's about a man on a journey to find his own personal legend. This just goes with the whole purpose thing.I think I see a pattern.

Book #4

This book came to me at a time when I was going through some stuff..maybe i'll write about that someday. Maybe. I had had it forever, I think I got it from some Christians on Campus group on Black Wednesday but i never read it. We were home for christmas break and I didn't have anything else to do, so I was like hey, why not. I started reading it and by the time I finished I was in tears. I think I read it on December 31st,2003 and I havent had a bad year since. The main realization I came to after reading this is that my parents are human. It may sound strange because I mean duh obviously they are but I never let them be human. I was always so hurt when I felt that the did something to me. But me allowing them to be human also allowed me to be able to see past their flaws and forgive them more easily. It also made it easier for me to love them not because I had to because they are my parents but because I got to know them better not as parents but as humans and got to love them that way...ok, I'ma stop before I start crying.

Book #5
Ok, don't laugh. But really good books with crazy plots and twists make me cry. Like i'm reading them and all of a sudden tears start flowing. It's crazy!! I think it just amazes me how magnificent the human brain and imagination is. This freewill thing is no joke. I start thinking about how someone could possibly come up with all these things and while it makes me feel inadequate as a self proclaimed writer (i'll never be as good as these people), it leaves me in awe of how much inspiration and how much brilliance we inherited from our Father. Talk about finding God in the details. Books like these blow my mind. Angels and Demons..from the concept to how the beginning seems to be totally unrelated to the end yet it all comes together to how he brought together all these ppl from different continents all because of one thing (lets not even get started about how Tom Hanks was SO not even the right person to play Robert Langdon!!). Maybe I read too much into books and things. But this book is a must read. My children must read it and love it and my children's children must also read it and love it. Gosh what would I do if my children don't love to read? That's a beatdown right there! NONSENSE.

Anyways, these are my five fave books...hope someone else might find even just one of these books even a teensy weensy bit helpful in their journey! Enjoy

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Hannibal Lecter and I

Ok, so some years ago when I was trying to figure out my purpose in life, I decided to take that myer's briggs test. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure it was what drove me to my major. N e ways, I sha took it and it determined that i was INTJ..see below:
Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
and this is what it says about me, and I agree for the most part! Shocking


To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence.
This self-confidence is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age.
When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how.
INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest.
What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms.

INTJs are "Systems Builders" because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability.
Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project.

Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this.
They do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know".
Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia).
INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.
This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.


Functional Analysis
by Joe Butt

Introverted iNtuition
INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.

Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse.
Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition's offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.

Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane.
We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ's soul.

INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

Hi blog world. I feel increasingly boring especially reading other blogs from ppl with much more interesting lives. So i woke up this morning, feeling better, starving but better. Am still starving now actually. I dids some grocery shopping..woke up too late for church, but I'll go to core this evening.
So I was talking to a friend yesterday and we were talking about road trips and I was like
"I don't think I would like to go on a long road trip because I cant stand being around ppl for too long".
Him: "Man, you amaze me!"
Me: "lol, why?"
Him:"you like scarred"
Me:"why you say that?"
Him: "the things you say, something must have happened to you when you were younger"
Me: I dunno, I don't think I'm scarred

So, that got me conjunction with the multitude of things I keep buried in my brain, what could have happened to me growing up that I don't remember but has shaped my personality so much so that it's visible to people that i talk to but not to me?

Am about to overshare, cause I'm really trying to get some stuff that i myself just recently remembered hoping that if i get it all down it'll no longer be inside of me threatening the life it belongs to (i stole that from Anna Nalick by the way).

Episode 1:
I barely remember this, sometimes I think it didn't even happen, but because I remember the details so clearly especially being so young, it had to have happened.
We used to live in adjoining houses next to my godmother and her kids and i think my older sisters used to have lessons with her kids...but i was too young. One day, i remember being in the room with their cousin Tokunbo, I don't know why, I prolly followed him in there out of boredom but the next thing I remember was him trying to get me to ...touch him. That's all i remember, I hope I didn't and I hope I ran out. Stupid pedophile!

Episode 2:
I was much older maybe 11, I remember our land lady used to keep the gate locked. I have no idea why i went to open the gate for some strange dude that I remember seeing around our farm and at the well who constantly propositioned me and kept asking me to come to his house for only God knows what. Anyways, i went to open the gate and this man actually had the audacity to reach out and grab one of my none existent wat the heck? Do we have laws against child abuse in Nigeria? Are they enforced? Because I mean I knew it was wrong but it was only until i got here that i figured it was illegal...curses to that fool!

I really don't think these incidents have done much to affect the way i interact with ppl much less guys. I was just a bit freaked out, plus that makes me a statistic. I think once I was aware of it, it just makes me more aware and more empathetic towards ppl that have been, in most cases way worse than me.

I'm not necessarily welcoming back bad memories, I think that they stay buried for a reason and all i can do is hope and pray that they really don't have a significant effect on who I am or who I'm meant to be. After all, God is in control abi? So nothing spoil.

Saturday, November 25, 2006


So my dear blog, I cant believe I was sick yesterday! I'm never sick....well never say never right. I threw up twice.... I mean I want to lose weight but not like that. I couldn't keep anything down but i'm better now.

I've also decided that maybe I have issues. First of all, when I heard about Britney Spears' divorce, I was so excited that I freaking screamed....only God knows why I did. And now, watching the whole Tomkat wedding, alls I was thinking is I can't wait for the ugly divorce so that we can hear the juicy details of how Tom hypnotized poor lil Katie, or blackmailed her to marry him....issues right?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving bloggie..I spent the whole day switching between Foster's home for imaginary friends and The Closer. Then I went to a friend's for a bit. That was fun too...but now I'm back, and bored...maybe a lil homesick. TV is my only friend! :(

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Damien Rice...

Suddenly feeling this...

Don't hold my hand like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Is just what I'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a true disease she's still too young to treat
Like a distant tree
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

Sunday, November 19, 2006

"Sue Ellen, every woman under 25 should always have a cucumber at home"'s sunday and I didn't go to church. Saw the prestige yesterday and it's actually pretty good. I remember watching old cliche 80's movies back when we first came from naija and not getting all the jokes/jabs/sexual innuendo. So i owe it to myself to watch them all. First up: "Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead". It's just interesting to see the actors and actresses Christina Appelgate and the cheerleadr from HEROES!!! Well, happy sunday bloggie baby...I promise to try doing more blogging..soon.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Slacker Much?

I can't believe I didn't blog today abi yesterday...sobs.
Procrastinator binsh has taken over. I'll be back tomorrow.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

HWNSNBM(part 2)

I'm so sure that i'm leaving stuff out,"Blame it on amnesia!" (what ever happened to Milli Vanilli?). I mean so wat if they lip synced? It's all good, i still love them.
Anyways back to HWNSNBM. So he left and we've spoken/emailed/texted ocassionally. Right before graduation, I went by my old job and was talking to my coworkers...two guys and a very crazy girl. And i told them about it and they were like, i think you should tell him...and i'm like nah. They were like "you can't live your life looking back and regretting not doing something". I'm like "well, he's not here anymore and it's crazy expensivve to call". They were like "send him a text". I'm like "shoo...i'd rather be over and done with this and move on with my life knowing that the ball is no longer in my court". So i sent a text
"I just wanted to tell you that I liked you for a really long time. I'm not telling you so that something can come of it, i'm just saying it to get it out and over with"
Five hours or so later, he replied the text. I was so scared to read it but i did.
HWNSNBM:"I wish we weren't so far apart"
Me:"would that have changed anything"
And i think that was it...

I've seen him once after and I was just a mess of emotions maybe it's that whole "absence makes the heart grow fonder". We email, sometimes chat. I've called, he called. I feel like I've grown past it but I don't think I'll BE past it till we talk about it and I say what i have to say. Maybe
I just want to let you know that you unintentionally broke my heart. Not into a million pieces, but you broke off a piece and you took it with you. And everytime I see,hear from or think about you, I miss that piece. Why I haven't reclaimed that piece anymore I don't know, maybe I can't but I know from past experience that not having that piece doesn't make me incapable of fully loving another.
At this point if i could go back, I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe that would have saved me some tears, but maybe that would have made me hate you. Maybe I would have been able to move on quicker. But I know i learnt from the very least that regardless of how emotionally stunted i thot i was, or how much i tricked myself into thinking that I could never fully open myself up to loving someone completely. You proved me way wrong. I think realizing that has helped me come a long way. So I guess this should be thank you.

Raindrops Keep falling on my head

Day two...yay and I'm still enthused about blogging. I got to work kinda late 8:30am because I've gotten so good at snoozing so I woke up late and couldn't really be bothered to rush. Then as soon as I stepped out, the freaking waterworks opened...had to run to my car. I think I dented my landlady's door opening mine...oops..oh well. I'm sure my rent can fix that (let's not get into how much I pay for rent and how disgruntled I am about it ).

I started several drafts of stuff including one on HWNSNBM which I'm not done with but I'm working on it. I was thinking about him this morning and I just remembered how songs used to remind me of him but all of a sudden they don't anymore unless I'm thinking about him which is not as often as it used to be...YAY! So that means I'm genuinely, truly getting to the point where I'm over him....i hope.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

HWNSNBM (part 1)

My dear friend was kind enough to mention an oversight that is not so minor...He Whose Name Shall Not Be Mentioned. God knows why i forgot this person who quite possibly shaped the relationships I've had after him (not that we had a relationship like that).
Anyway sha...HWNSNBM, even with my amnesia i remember most details about how we met..strange.
It was summer, my first or second summer in college i forget...sha the summer of BRAZOS and I was taking Business Algebra and History (with Ledbetter, he had a broken foot or leg but i digress).
I know I met him thru my sister's friend cuz she(the friend) was dating his brother. Anyways, it wasn't crush at first sight..he didn't immediately catch my attention. I remember we would walk from class to the UC (university center) and he would always say something so typically naija and innanely ridiculous that I would be mad at him.

Then he started coming over with my sister...we would joke around and talk and all that. I remember loaning him money to go buy a blue book for the history exam...I made a stupid B in that class by the way!! CURSES TO THAT FOOL LEDBETTER!

Then he would bring his playstation and play with my little sister. I remember one day, he spent the night, but he slept on my roommate Linda's bed.......................................with my sister (b4 u assume was very innocent!) He was just that guy, every girl's friend, very touchy feely.

I wish i could remember my "aha moment" when i realized that I really liked this dude, but I don't. The problem (among many) was that we really were friends, even if i tried to I couldn't make up things about him in my head because I knew him. We had a lot of things in common, music, movies..he felt completely comfortable around my siblings and I around his. I just felt there would be a natural progression towards you know what but 6 years later, nothing.

I remember ...sigh..i remember so much, I remember how he loved to argue and ARGUE, MY GOD!!! It was like pulling teeth, and people know that I don't back down from an argument really but I would concede to him just so that I could go by into my little blissful world or ignorance.

Then one day, this new girl started at our school and while I personally didn't find her attractive, all the guys did(I think) including..yep, U guessed it. Let's just say that their relationship made me do something I'm not proud of and also made me realize that if he really did like me in that way, he would have done something. In the process, I had met someone else (long distance..another story!) who I knew for sure completely and utterly adored me for whatever reason. I went into that relationship knowing that if anything were to ever develop between me and HWNSNBM, I wouldn't think twice about leaving LDR#1(long distance relationship #1).

I feel bad because even while I was in said relationship with LDR#1, we still used to go out, and hang out (as friends of course). I remember a couple of times we would go to the movies and then he would drop me off and end up spending the night. Nothing really ever happened but I still feel that it constitutes cheating because LDR#1 would be blowing up my phone and I would completely ignore it.

Then came the Amazonian Princess, my dear dear friend. They dated and then things fell apart. I don't remember if they were still dating when he graduated but I remember his graduation. Everyone was there and saying congratulations but for some reason I just wasn't even in the mood to speak to him. I remember standing by Texas Hall (graduation auditorium) and him all of a sudden coming up behind me and asking "why didn't you come up and say hi?"

Me: "I dunno, you were taking pictures with your family, i didn't want to disturb you"

Him: "You know that regardless of what I'm doing, I'll always have time for you right?"

Me: speechless.

That was exhibit A. I know he wasn't responsible for the way I felt about him but he didn't do anything to help matters either and i can prove it!

Exhibit C,D,E and F were the times I spent at his place or he at mine (all pretty innocent too).

Exhibit F: I remember this so well. We were supposed to go see a movie, i forget which one so my sister dropped me off and left with the car. He was ...oh wait let's rewind

Exhibit B

After his graduation, he came to say bye cause he was leaving for a bit and we were talking then then all of a sudden out of nowhere

Him: "Do you think you would ever go back home to live?"

Me: "yeah of course, i plan to..someday"

Him: "What if you met someone and they wanted you to go back with them?"

Me: "it depends on how serious it is and what I have going on over here."

Him: "I'll keep that in mind"

Back to Exhibit F:

He was screwing around with his computer and I was sitting with his brother who gives one of the best hugs by the way and then it got so late that we couldn't make the movie anymore. So we decided to watch one at home Good Will Hunting which i had never seen. His brother called it a night and i think they hugged which i thot was cute so i was like

"Aww, that's so cute! I wish I had a brother"

Him: " I would say that I don't mind being your brother but I kind of want more out of this relationship than that"

Me: speechless

So yeah I frigging spent the night that day..nothing happened. I may or may not have realized just how sensitive my ears are but that's about it. be continued


My very first first memory of boys was in pre-primary. This Ogadinma boy with permanent gorimakpa and nasty sores on his head would find me and beat me, not enough to injure me but just enough to scare me. Dawg men, that was a horrible feeling. Only God knows how he used to find me. If i catch that boy today men...i'll prolly run too!

Then one of my neighbors, Junior was insistent that he was going to marry me. I was so afraid to go outside. In short, I blame him for my inactivity and obsession with TV. I would stay inside when everyone else was outside playing. I used to venture outside on occasion but once marshall (their male dog) and peggy (their female dog) showed up around the corner..I would quickly run upstairs and peek through the window. I dunno why I was scared...still don't. I remember him giving my sister one naira to come give I'm that cheap. Who knows where all these people are.

Moving to Lagos, I don't really remember any boys attracting my attention. I mean, I was only 8 but still...I remember my landlady's grandson or nephew Allen who I thot was so cute. He smelled funny always, but he was still cute. I think I got a little bit of my love for music from him. Can't believe I still remember one of his songs..if it really was his song
Nile, Niger, Senegal, Congo, Orange, Limpopo, Zambeleji
I am the trigger of my people africa
who is the king of our land
what's on ur mind, what's on ur mind
what is the name of the game you play
who made you king
who made you king
who made you ruler of my people......

And then boarding school started. Who had time for the little boys in my set? As far as I was concerned, they really had nothing to offer..which is funny now that i think about it. The only ppl that really stood out did so cuz they were weird, or smart cuz smart meant competition. I remember crushes, didn't know they were crushes then but they so were. The very first one was this guy called Dotun. He was the labor prefect and he always looked SOOOOOOOOOOOO crisp in his Jaja (blue check) outfit...sigh. He was tall, well taller than me.

I remember this guy in my set, Patrick...I think all the girls used to go absolutely crazy (ok maybe not all) about him...i remember guys used to unbutton the top one or two buttons on their shirts and pull it back so that the collar wasn't right around their neck..So tacky!!!!

All others were insignificant, till high school in Texas. Oh my goodness...Kievin...I don't know how it started, or what it was it was a very strange. I slowly developed my stalking abilities from this point. I think I took a geometry class with him my sophomore year, then he was in a bad accident and was gone for months. Then one day, he was back....i think i freaked out when i saw him. After that, I would see him sporadically in the hallway, on tv...then for 6 years after, I completely forgot about it till i decided to look him up. Found him, confessed, he claims he remembers me but I doubt it..he's doing well.

In college, I went thru the normal crushes, on ppl who are now my friends. I remember the BIG one...I remember crying about it, I remember telling my friends about it. Now I look back and am like WHAT WAS I THINKING??!!!

I think at this point, when I get into that crush phase, I try to get to know the person. So far so good. But getting to know the person usually calms me down and I slowly admit to myself that they are mere mortals like myself and I need to take them down off that pedal stone.
Never, NEVER divulge that I have a crush tho..never!

Boys are interesting creatures.

Me @ 23

So my friend tells me that I tend to keep stuff inside me and that one day I'll just explode! I don't know that I purposely bottle stuff up, but i find that old memories, good and bad bubble up to the surface at the most inopportuned moments.

In an effort to stop keeping stuff inside, I'ma say someting now.

Next to God and family, friends are probably the most important things in my life. Once people cross into that inner sanctum where I feel comfortable calling them friends, I want them there for life. I would do anything in my power to help them whenever they are in need.

I'm guilty of witholding information, no one person knows completely everything about me. I don't know why, I think maybe because I tell them only what I think they can handle...or what I think will not change their perception of me. Maybe because I dont want to lose them.

To my friends:

I never want to lose you

I want to be at your wedding

I want to be a godmother

I want our kids to be friends

I want to be a shoulder for you to cry on

A source of strength in times of weakness

I want to never do anything to break us apart

I may not be in your five, we may not be best friends

I may be difficult

I may be stubborn

I may lose your respect from time to time

But for all that we've been through

For all that the future has to offer

I want you to be there to share

joys and pain, fears and tears

I never want to lose you

This might mean nothing to someone, or something to noone..but i just felt like saying it out. Before life begins again and it's too late or before I get back into one of my stubborn-I-dont-need-anyone phases. I love my friends...

Me @ 23 is not ready to lose any of them over trivial issues.

First Blog Ever!

So, after weeks of reading other people's blogs, I figure i should start blogging too. Whether or not what a write will be real or all in my imagination is yet to be determined. What I will blog about I don't know. I'm intimidated by the blogs I've read but for now, people will only stumble on this thread by accident. I guess i should differentiate fact and fiction in two different colors.

FACT: I love, love music

FICTION: I'm very outgoing.

With that settled, I guess I can now begin...sigh, wish me luck.