Monday, May 3, 2010

You've got all that I need...

..Looking @ all or nothing
Hi peoples,

The purpose of this post is to try and be as honest as possibly without feeling overly exposed and maybe present my take on some of what I consider to be my life's "puzzling" questions at my age and how I used to rationalize the answers and what I do now without sounding too preachy.

One thing that I don't want to get lost in the possibly LONG post is something that I think strengthens me everyday...:
So you know how things always seem to be much worse at night, but the next day it seems better..even a little bit? Well I've decided that one of the reasons is because of the sun. Even on the cloudiest days you can tell day from night (except maybe in Kuwait). The sun just makes everything seem better. And as a Christian who believes that God created the sun..I am strengthened by the fact that this same God whose glory gives the sun it's light, and heat that we can feel from miles and miles away loves ME..always, regardless, more than anyone in the world ever can. And this God is for ME and has my back PERMANENTLY. Just the thought gives me a "who born dem?" attitude and makes it easier for me to get up and try again that day. And on days when this doesn't work, Psalm 139 is pretty good too.

Now...where to start.
I grew up in a fairly religious home. My mom tried several times to introduce daily devotions at 6am every morning and was pretty consistent about it for a long time. Sunday school on Sundays..the whole nine. And I loved church. We also had a ton of "Holy Ghost fire" aunts and uncles pass through our home during childhood. So I had the background. I think I definitely took/take that for granted.."yes i know i should pray".."yes I know God is good".."yes i know if you sin and don't repent you are doomed to hellfire"etc. For a couple of years growing up..i think i was like 7 or 8, I used to be so fearful at night that I would die in my sleep or the world would end and I would go to hellfire"

And then you become an adult, and you leave that safety net and you're on your own and the world is there all inviting and exciting. I didn't consider myself to have ever been overly "worldly" but as there is no gray area and sin is sin...I was.

I went through this period where I just completely avoided the thought/concept of having a relationship with God because I felt that it would be out of per that's how you were raised so that's what you should do and if you don' exit "hellfire".

I think truthfully..It clicked for me in 2007. Before then, yes I loved God and I loved going to church and the fellowship and worship. But even then I found myself only praying consistently when I really wanted God to do something for me.

I DIGRESS: I remember once we were having some event and it started to rain..a friend's sister suggested that we pray. So i prayed..simple " Dear Lord, we would like for the rain to stop so our event will be dry and successful.In Jesus Name. Amen". She proceeded to scold me for not praying with conviction and then went on to "pray/bind and caste the devilish rain and command that it cease!" *side eye*

Anyway...what happened in 2007? IT CLICKED..i don't know how else to say it but i just finally got it. I'm not compelled to develop a relationship with God out of duty anymore..but because I love Him. I think at that point, I'd moved far far away from everything and everyone I knew and I was pretty much alone..alone with my thoughts..alone with my fears..just solo.

But I wasn't...have never been, I've always felt God's presence in my life guiding me and strengthening me. I wanted to develop my own special relationship with God that had nothing to do with the hangups from my past so I work at it. And I fail at it..and it hasn't been smooth sailing...and I'm not perfect..but I get up every morning and the darkness has been taken over by the light and I try that day to love and trust God the best I can, I try to learn about and do what makes Him happy and try not to beat myself up too much when I fall short. And I take the lessons from that day and try and move on and apply it to the next day.

This post take style long I think I'm definitely going to have to split it up but these are my life questions:
My life questions..
1. What is my purpose in life?
2. Why is it so hard for me to be a good Christian?
3. What if all I've done in my life stems from one first,big mistake?
4. Where/When/How will my "tests" in life happen and can I handle them?
5. How will I know when I find the person that God has selected to be my life partner? I love... I especially like 4:23 to the end..
Casting crowns.."Who am I"